This, I just have to write down. Just to warn you, I might sound so 'ma-drama' so feel free to stop reading when things go cheesy. No pressure^^
You know how people say that when someone who had passed away appeared in your dreams, the spirit of that person actually "visited" you? (do you think so too? or is it just me and my uber superstitious mom? hehe) If it is true, then Papa might have just paid me a visit.
I was actually kinda expecting it already since his death anniversary is in February and he had been in my dreams already several times before. But the thing is, the most recent one was way different from the others.
In the dream, my dad, my mom and I were in a small house. My younger brother was not there, I don't know why. Mom and I were in a room and I was doing something (homework? i guess) while dad was just right outside the room playing the trumpet! There wasn't any sound, though. Nobody was even talking. We were just like an ordinary family busy going about the chores for the day (except for the trumpet, that is^^)
The next day, I woke up thinking my dad had probably been here. It was days after his death anniversary. I went through my routine the whole day, but from time to time, the dream would pop out my head again.
That night, Blue and I actually had the time to talk before sleeping and he asked me in details what the dream was about. It was very simple, but when I really thought about it, I realized there was something I missed. It was not the trumpet, the homework, or simply my dad being there. It was that FEELING. The feeling of being secured, at peace and overwhelmed with joy. No words needed. and just being with both of my parents was all that mattered.
So, THAT's how it feels. It's painful to think it's something that is so foreign to me. In a movie or drama, when they say something like "I don't know what it's like to have a family". I never thought it was even possible.
Don't get me wrong. I grew up with loving people around me. My mom did her best to fill in my father's shoes and I was surrounded by those I consider family.. my grandmother, aunts, cousins AND I had wonderful friends who never made me feel different coming from a broken home. I was lucky.
But then, it will really come to a point when you'd realize what you'd been missing. And when you had a taste of it, even at a fleeting moment, you'd wish things turned out differently and would start thinking 'what if?' What if my father stayed with us? What if we stayed together as a family? I would've had more chance to meet my father's relatives. I would've probably been spending every single holiday with my dad, mom and brother... and who knows? my dad would've probably been very much alive today.
But God has other plans. I believe God is always making things work out for our own good and more often than not, for the better. And for that, I will always be thankful.
It may be just a dream but I'd forever keep it with me. Thank you Papa and I missed you so much. We may have been apart almost all my life but I'm looking forward to the time when we'd be together again... as a family. I love you! ^^
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